First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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