After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
