i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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