I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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