And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
