so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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