i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
