The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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