Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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