is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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