I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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