saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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