Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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