Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
