why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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