I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
