remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
