She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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