If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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