you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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