Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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