I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
