So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
