I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
