It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
this is an emotional support booty call
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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