I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
