He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
