I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
