the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
