he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
