Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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