You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
