that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We have started to decorate penises.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
