if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
