; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
