yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
