Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
