I think my vagina is haunted
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
