I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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