I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
