have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
two words: eviction party
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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