I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
