apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
