I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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