i need an iv and a liver transplant
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
