Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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