I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
