I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
