Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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