Apparently you make a good broom.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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