He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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