He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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