My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
