dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
