I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
