Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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