I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
