and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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