There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
