i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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